God Wont Let Me Be Happy Funny
I sat at a stoplight, trembling with anxiety's rattle and hum. The sky was bleak with charcoal clouds seemed to mirror my soul. The familiar fog of depression had rolled in and I was weary of the struggle.
It was exhausting: wrestling to be whole, never shaking the bone-deep loneliness. The fog formed a dense wall, hedging me into isolation. Most days, it seemed nobody, not even God, can break through.
There's an excruciating physicality to mental illness that's rarely acknowledged. But this pain was nothing new. I couldn't remember a time before depression's waves rolled through me. I'd grown accustomed to smiling, saying I was just tired, doing my best to show up for my commitments while my chest burned and my body felt like lead.
Still, the worst part was the way secret questions carved out my insides. God, are you there? Why can't I be different? Why won't you fix me? I know you can.
It wasn't just the questions, but the story I believed underneath them: God doesn't want this mess and neither does anyone else. I knew that if I didn't smile and act okay, I would lose my people…and even God.
"Just choose joy."
When I tried to share glimpses of the darkness, well-meaning Christians said things they didn't understand. You have control over your emotions. This is a choice. Choose joy, they told me, as though it were a switch to flip.
Depression is so self-focused. How can you be sad with all God has done for you? You just need to serve others.
God answers prayers given in faith. Just speak life. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, even about yourself.
Those words left my skin flushed hot and nausea rising in my throat. I'd tried, so hard, to make myself better. I just kept failing.
Countless begging prayers with all the faith I could muster hadn't changed the ache inside. Years of spending every free moment in ministry, serving and caring without rest, hadn't filled the gaping void. Instead, I felt even more strangled by the unforgiving pace .
And, in my mind, choose joy sounded an awful lot like snap out of it . I couldn't force that, no matter what I did. So I kept the ache to myself, hiding questions and unkempt prayers until I could let out the mess.
I found that place in my old Taurus, a messy sanctuary in all my here-to-theres. Empty paper cups rolled on the floorboards. Clothes were strewn over boxes of books and trinkets – I was always moving in those days. Despite the clutter, that old car was my safe place. There was no need to smile, no show to put on. Nobody to hear or judge.
I was running ministry errands that day, grateful for a reprieve from interaction in the offices. My heart raced with a sinking question: What if I never get better? Shame seared my flushed skin. Nobody wants this. How do I live like this forever?
There at the stoplight, my body trembled as the gray and weight and cloud pressed in. My thoughts spiraled and buzzed. The bony hand of anxiety started to close around my throat.
Then clear, sweet words whispered in my heart,
"The darkness may always be there, but I will always be there in the darkness."
My mouth gaped open, eyes wide with suddenly welling tears. But it wasn't sorrow. It was hope, bittersweet, shocking hope.
To some, it might have sounded like a death sentence. But not to me. It was a first-time promise of life. That whisper in my heart, "The darkness may always be there," told me to stop fighting to fix myself.
Stop burying the pain.
Stop hiding.
The darkness exists. It's okay that it's there and it's okay that it's so hard. It's okay to face bravely into it, to let go of denial and learn to live with it.
The second half of that whisper was sweeter still. "I will always be there in the darkness." It shook my soul like tectonic plates shifting, foundations rearranged. I reeled from the shock of realization.
God isn't disappointed in me.
He's not tapping his foot and looking at his watch, impatient for me to get it together. He sits with me in the darkness. The rattle & hum quieted, vibrations and tension slowly fading. I remembered a favorite verse from Psalm 139: if I make my bed in hell, you're there. The heaviness in my chest lifted as I drew a deep breath.
Those words released so much guilt and fear. They pledged that I'm not so profoundly screwed up that the God of the universe would ever back away. He isn't afraid of my depression. He doesn't shrink from the darkness.
God doesn't lose patience with my pain.
He isn't uncomfortable when I share dark thoughts, telling me to snap out of it. Nothing I can do, nowhere I can go will ever push Him to abandon me. Instead, God welcomes honesty. He runs toward my pain and questions.
In a messy, old Taurus, my tearful voice shook in hopeful response. "Okay. If you promise to never leave, I can walk through anything with you."
Sometimes God doesn't heal, and it's not anyone's fault. Sometimes sickness is just the ugly reality of living in a broken world. My hope can't rest solely on the actions of God, on the miraculous or a mystery I can't comprehend. I don't have to be healed to trust Him. My hope rests on His character, who He's proven Himself to be time and again.
It takes more faith to believe he's good and kind and present when he walks through darkness with us instead of plucking us from it.
I've learned to cling to the Lord come hell or high water, and they both surely will rush in. I know to press my face into His clothes and breathe in deep. When I'm terrified or my chest is filled with the burn of depression, I lean into Him and listen.
"It's okay. I'm still here, even in the darkness."
And, much as I would love Him to wave His magic wand and put my soul back together without cracks and scars, I am grateful. I know the Comforter because I have been comforted. I know a God who sees me and is present with me. He's proven it by showing up in my car when I needed Him most.
Maybe today, you're wondering if God is present in your pain. It may not be depression or anxiety. It could be loss, failure, illness, or injustice; at one point or another, we all come face-to-face with these big questions. Are you here? Are you with me?
In the midst of anguish and ache, God doesn't condemn you . He is not disappointed or impatient with you. And, though he often doesn't bring a sudden change of circumstance, he's sitting with you in your pain.
God is with us. He isn't leaving. He isn't giving up.
If the darkness will always be here, so will God. He'll sit in its midst with us, holding our sometimes-desperate, flailing hearts. We won't be alone. Maybe that's all we need to know to get through.
Source: https://www.beautifulbetween.com/where-is-god-when-im-depressed/
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